Thoughts about aphasia part 3 – making a connection

I happened to walk into the library with no books in mind and while I was there I looked up Aphasia and any reference to it. I found “Aphasia Inside and Out” by Susie Parr, Judy Duchan and Carole Pound. The impact of the book changed my perception of life. I cried. The tears had been eluding me because on the outside, I thought I was strong and able to fend off the loss of my identity. In truth my façade was indubitable, well protected. It was only deep inside that I was a naïve 20 year old on the cusp of being a lady. I had not grieved. These glorious words from the book were tragic yet hopeful, a book about me and those who have suffered in silence with aphasia. What a tremendous relief that I was not alone!

I bought the book and encouraged my family to read it. My children have made loving concessions, without a second thought, throughout their lives concerning Mum. My son wrapped his right arm in a sling and concentrated not to use it for a day to understand what I had to deal with, but he could not keep it on. I took charge by telephoning Connect in London. Teresa Regan answered the phone with her calm voice and that reassured me. She gave me the directions, which meant nothing to me, so I sought my daughter who lives in London to guide me to Connect. We went to Drop-in to meet the kind staff and the people who have what I have. I belonged. So elated was I, for the magnitude of seeing and touching kindred individuals, to share in their pain and be uplifted. I realized that many people from a rainbow of lifestyles have this common denominator, aphasia. 

Through Connect I am more aware of the injustice, bullying, molding I had undergone, sometimes intentionally more out of their character.  People around me were constantly maneuvering me into a person I did not recognize. I am also more conscious that those close to me (as well as the many informal acquaintances I have met throughout the years) have some degree of innocence and ignorance of aphasia. Without Connect I would still be under the ground not knowing how to take a step out of the tunnel. I am beginning to learn, with encouragement from Connect, who I am and that is priceless. I have my own unique personality. I do have Aphasia.

Understanding my aphasia
I will never inhabit the body that most adults take for granted. I missed the elections vote in U.S.A. I will never vote in any of the UK elections because I am still an American citizen. After my accident, priority was given to teaching me the basic tools of living. Politics was at the bottom of a big pile of things I had to relearn, although that didn’t stop my attempts. I recall watching “Question Time” for years. Our children were young yet I was determined to understand the quick talk and the bonus of relearning words. Before, the programme was undecipherable, but I persisted and now I have a smattering of knowledge about the politics of England.

There are instances where in a shop the person behind me is so impatient and rude to hurry me up that I flounder. Confused with the money and caught in a stressful predicament, I let go of whatever is in my right hand. My cheeks were burning out of anger and humiliation I leave the shop distressed. Other times, too many to mention, I do say that I have aphasia. Either they want to know and find it incredible, the fact halts the conversation or pretends to know and guess what is it, which cause awkwardness or dismiss it. I could not argue.

I do not think that I will ever understand premiums, bills, mortgages, insurances, fuses, cars, answering machine on phones, digital cameras or the difference between right wing and left wing etc. Environmental issues evade me, however understanding the basics of a computer are slowly within my grasp, as are the mobile phone and the remote control. I will always be slow, but thanks to Connect, the staff and other people with aphasia there, I am better equipped for a brighter approach to life.